Where are we at right now? We seem to be cruising along at the moment. Nothing huge has rocked our boat, which I guess is a good thing. Nothing too hard about parenting, other than the obvious things. But this comfortable familiarity, this steady rhythmic routine we have is making me wonder if I’m actually just sleep walking through our days.

It sometimes feels like I’m just going through the motions, in this blurry unconsciousness. I’ll be sat next to my son on the sofa, cuddled in together whilst he watches tv and I’ll suddenly snap out of my mindless scrolling on my phone and pull him in closer and ask him urgently ‘you ok buddy?’, like I hadn’t been there at all. The things is, I am ALWAYS there. Yet sometimes I’m somewhere else in my head. I yank at my own consciousness to come back into the room with them, be there with them. Be more present! It seems like it’s hard to be ‘present’ though, when you are always so physically present.

I keep reading and being told about how precious this time is and how it’ll all be gone before I know it, and then in the future I’ll be left all alone, and I really will be sat with my thoughts then, without a small tiny human body curled into my lap.

As the years have passed us by I remember all the different people you have been throughout the years; the 1 year old you, the 2 year old you, the 3 year old you and so on. It haunts me that by each year this little person would drift away and a slightly bigger, ever so slightly different you would to take their place. There would be so many new things I love about this new version. But a few little things about the old you would be gone and I know I wont see them in you again. It’s heartbreaking saying goodbye to your younger versions, but beautiful getting to know the older you’s.

It’s all so fleeting isn’t it. I can’t comprehend ever wishing any second away when you were that sweet younger you. But of course I did, of course I still do. Sometimes the raw realness of right now feels overwhelming and my responsibility to you engulfs me.

I am enjoying this steady flow we have. I know that many heartbreaks will come our way as we continue through our lives. I know that is the deal, life is just a series of different stages and constant change.

What I am certain of, is my future self will look back on this day I had with you today, no matter how hard it was, and long for it. To pick you up from school, to cook your sweet little tea, to give you a bath, to read to you, to hold your small tiny bodies as they fall asleep.

#artifactmotherhood

Welcome to Artifact Motherhood. This is a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artefacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

Please check out the next artist in our blog circle, the wonderful and talented Jo Haycock and continue through all the artists until you get back to me.