We are almost there, little one.

My darling, first born, sweet boy. You are about to become a big brother and you are so excited. I told you about baby the day I found out I was pregnant and the first thing you said was ‘Is it hatching yet? Can I hold now please?’. From this moment on you have been so happy and excited to become a big brother. In recent weeks all you want to do is cuddle the bump and tell him you love him. You go ‘awww baby I miss you, I can’t wait to meet you.’ You tell me you will protect him which just melts my heart. I couldn’t have asked for a better reaction from you with this pregnancy and the new little one’s imminent arrival. It is making my already fragile heart, due to raging hormones, want to burst into a million pieces at how adorable and kind and wonderful you are. And I am asking myself why it’s a pleasant surprise, because you are the kindest soul I know, of course you were going to react like this.

I’m trying really hard to not make this too cheesy or cliched, but its hard not to. All I want to do is write a whole novel’s worth of gushing words upon words to try and explain and encapsulate my love for you, how proud I am of you and how thankful I am that you exist and I have the honour of sharing this life with you. Told you, its hard not to be cheesy. There’s just a lot of love for you my baby boy. Always has been, obviously, but it’s really intensifying at the moment to an almost unbearable amount where I just want to kiss and squeeze and basically devour all of you.

My only experience of pregnancy and birth prior to this was with you. My whole motherhood experience and identity is you. So it feels surreal that I am doing it all again, but you are not the baby this time. Who will this little person be? Will you look alike or totally different? So many unknowns at the last leg of this long journey. As usual I am existing in a contradictory state of willing this baby to arrive and clinging onto the last week, days and moments we have left where it really is just us two. Me and you buddy.

I am so tired. And emotional. And I am so sorry I am both of these things. Believe me when I say I am trying with every morsel in my body to gather the energy to still keep your days and routine as normal as possible. It suddenly feels a lot, it feels intense. The apprehension of the birth and all of it. Life with two of you. I hope I can make it a good one for you both.

I didn’t think I’d be spending the last 10 weeks of my pregnancy in lockdown and felt fearful and desperately sad and frustrated when it first happened. It seemed like an interminable time to have to ‘wait’ out. But somehow we have done it, or almost done it.

It’s funny there were moments of this lockdown which I imagine mine and Daddy’s retirement to feel like- except we have you with us and a very large bump. 7 days a week at home together. Cooking and eating every meal together, going for a daily walk in our neighbourhood after lunch together. Doing odd jobs around the house and garden. Reading books. Filling our time. Existing. I have no idea what you will take from this time but I hope on the whole it is happy memories of the three of us, almost four, hanging out in our close little unit, protected and secure together.

I know I am more robust this time around becoming a mother again. I have more knowledge and experience and understanding of what lies ahead. And I also have you by my side this time, guiding me into this new motherhood experience.

#artifactmotherhood

Welcome to Artefact Motherhood. This is a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artefacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

Please check out the next artist in our blog circle, the wonderful Min Mohd and continue through all the artists until you get back to me.