Sometimes I think my motherhood experience is the dress rehearsal. That I can make up for any errors or mistakes I’m making down the line. But then I realise its not, this is it, its happening now. This is his little life and I need to get this right first time round.

Yet the margin of error in parenting is so small. We are walking this tight rope every day, cautiously trying to not put a foot wrong, because if we make even the smallest of mistakes it can have catastrophic consequences; offer up the wrong snack or the wrong shoe and you’re done for.

I am also cautiously trying to not put a foot wrong incase I fall, because falling is out of the question isn’t it? We cannot ever fall off the tight rope.

These days feel like I’m wading through thick mud. I wake up and all my muscles ache from holding my new baby all day. I almost don’t feel strong enough to hold him sometimes but I know my body will adjust and get stronger. I can’t decide if I’m weak or strong. I think I am probably both, sometimes simultaneously.

Those baby days seemed so long ago and here I am doing it again. I’d spent years getting my boobs out (to feed my child) and suddenly that stops. Suddenly you’re not changing nappies anymore or pushing a pushchair. Or trying to shovel food into small reluctant mouths. And then suddenly you are doing it again and the cycle continues. I get a jolt of painful nostalgia when I put him in one of his brothers old outfits. It only seems like yesterday he was wearing it. 

There seems to be more joy in the process of mothering the second time round. Everything felt so much harder the first time, everything felt so much more traumatic. I was being undone and I felt more broken. I wish so much that it hadn’t felt that way, that I had found more joy. There WAS joy, so much joy, of course there was! And still is! But this new baby feels easier in so many ways. I don’t feel as broken.

But I now can’t get to my eldest as much as I’d like. As I sometimes feel like a whole day has gone by and I honestly panic if he has been hugged and kissed enough because I am acutely aware I have been holding, rocking or nursing a baby most of the day.

These days are hardcore. These days when we are doing ‘nothing’ but doing SO MUCH domestic work. So much physical labour and so much emotional troubleshooting. Days when I have nothing left in me and walking up the stairs holding my baby feels like boot camp. 

Every night I say I’ll do better tomorrow. And I always try to. Because this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is the real performance.

#artifactmotherhood

Welcome to Artefact Motherhood. This is a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artefacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

Please check out the next artist in our blog circle, the wonderful Jessie Nelson and continue through all the artists until you get back to me.