I don't want to be left behind | Artifact Motherhood

I don’t want to be that person that always looks back to when their children were younger, and longs for them to be little again. But recently I’ve been feeling like I’m holding on to this baby-ness like my life depends on it. Like as soon as they start school, that’s it, something in some way is ‘over’. I know it’s not of course, that in fact this is actually the start of everything. I know our parenting journey will continue forever and I will always be their Mum no matter how old they are but there is this increasing feeling something is coming to an end. A chapter is closing to never open again and I can’t help but feel sad those baby years are almost behind us. All those tiny shoes and clothes won’t be worn again. The baby blankets are all folded away in the cupboard. The baby books and baby toys stacked on a shelf gathering dust. I don’t want to be that person who only wants you to be babies. I want to enjoy every stage, and I promise you I will. My mind is open to the future with you, and I am excited to see you grow.

I think it’s this fear of being left behind. Of not being on the journey with you. Of not being needed or wanted anymore. That I will become redundant. Those cuddles and kisses that are in such sweet abundance at the moment, will become something that is few and far between.

Yet maybe, just this one last time I will indulge myself and look back at what I can remember when you were ‘around’ a certain age. I couldn’t tell you what we ate for breakfast that day, or week, but I can remember how it felt to hold your little body and how light you felt.

Our Bristol years remind me of Autumn. Walking to Sainsbury’s in Clifton Down. Baby cinema when you were a newborn. Visits to the Bristol museum, our favourite place. Baby weigh-ins at the local clinic. Endless refused naps spent pacing the pavement with you in the pushchair. The time you got hand, foot and mouth. Then I got it. Lots of sleepovers at Nanny’s old house. Feeling overwhelmed and exhausted constantly. Trips to that sweet little park in Redland near our flat. The loveliest playgroup in that church. Your first Christmas. And second. Lugging the pushchair up and down the steps to our flat. Buying our first nice sofa. Your first long haul plain ride. That baby fox that got into our garden. Your baby sun hats and baby sandals. Learning to walk. Learning to be parents.

Our Bathampton years remind me of when you were a toddler in Spring. Walks along the canal. Carrying you on my shoulders. Wandering up to the park. Wandering up to the shop to get sweets. So many walks. Of lockdown. Playing in the loft. So much intense playing every day. TV dinners. You cradling my ever expanding tummy every day. When we had caterpillars, and watching them slowly turn into butterflies. Your beautiful long hair. When you started preschool. Taking so many photographs of you. Hot weather and paddling pools in the garden. The TV show ‘If you give a mouse a cookie’. Painting. Playing with lentils. When you had me entirely and completely to yourself. When you became a big brother. Your first day of school. Bottles of milk. Those incredible holidays we had. So much lounging on the sofa. Potty training and new pants. Making your first friends. Play dates. Making new friends myself. Takeaways. Arguments. Meltdowns. Dancing in the kitchen. Early mornings. Planting our first tree.

These memories make my chest tighten with the intense nostalgia. I do wish at times I had been softer, calmer, less prickly, less like a spikey plant.

Here’s to the next chapter, my sweethearts, whatever that may bring.

#artifactmotherhood

Welcome to Artifact Motherhood. This is a collaboration of artists from around the world who have come together to share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey. Through our writings and visual records we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. These are the artefacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.

Please check out the next artist in our blog circle, the wonderful and talented Ann Owen and continue through all the artists until you get back to me.