Living in lockdown | Documentary Family Photography in Bath Somerset
Part of me can’t actually believe I am writing this. We are currently experiencing a global Pandemic caused by coronavirus. And half the world is in a form of lockdown. And no this is not an excerpt from the script of the movie ‘Contagion’.
Living in lockdown has been an intense medley of emotions. Panic, at the uncertainty of what is happening and how long this will go on for. Fear, of actually catching the virus or a loved one catching it. Horror, at the daily death figures. Exhaustion, from the repetitiveness and relentlessness of our days. Claustrophobia, that we aren’t free to go about our lives as normal and no indication, yet, of when this will end. Sadness, at not being able to see friends and family. Worry and stress for my upcoming birth and the wellbeing of my 3 year old son and my unborn babe. And frustration that this has happened at all and there doesn’t seem to be a fast or easy way out of it. I just want it to be over.
Yet a lot of the day to day-ness of mine and my husband and sons life actually hasn’t changed massively. My husband is around more at home which is really nice. My son and I still play the same games, watch the same kids tv shows. We all eat the same sort of food we ate before and at the same usual dinner times. We all wake at the same time roughly each day and go to bed at the same time, roughly, each day. Laundry is still being washed and housework is still being done. The cat is being fed and the plants are being watered. We are all continuing to live our lives within our own home. But that’s where any normality stops. As we venture out (mostly at a similar time each day, a little routine we have just naturally fallen into) everything is different. People are swerving round or walking in the road to avoid each other. Some people wear masks, some wear gloves. My husband queues for 30minutes just to get inside the supermarket and then has to navigate the tape on the floor and the barriers at the check out. He washes his hands as soon as he gets in the door and I often wonder if I should be sanitising all the food aswell. This invisible killer. The not knowing where it’s coming from, where you could pick it up.
I’ve felt quite unwell during this time too, oddly. Waking up most mornings thinking I have a cold and a slight sore throat. Feeling’s of nausea. And body aches and extreme exhaustion like I’ve never experienced. My paranoia sets in and I think I have the virus. And then 2 weeks pass and I’m fine, just a continuous feeling of not being 100%. I can then only surmise that it is either a physical reaction to the extremely stressful and upsetting situation we and the rest of the world find ourselves in, or it’s pregnancy related. Or perhaps it’s both. Either way, I am oscillating between wanting to do nothing at all except to just get through this as quickly as possible. To feeling like I should use this time wisely with productive efforts of continuing my work, website updates, SEO work, and so many little house and garden jobs. And forcing myself to remember to savour these last few weeks when it’s just my boy and I. And that’s when my grief sets in. I am so saddened that mine and my boys last few weeks together just him and I are going to be spent in lockdown. I had visions of spending my third trimester with him on fun days out, visiting lots of relatives and generally having a wonderful wind down to the birth with him. I am deeply saddened this won’t be the case now. I am heartbroken I won’t get to see any friends or family before my baby arrives and that they may not even be able to meet him straight away.
Some days go by faster than others. My concept of time seems to change daily. Some days I watch the clock like I used to in my old office job, counting down the hours and minutes until lunch time and home time. Other days I have all these ideas about how we can spend our day and activities planned and the day speeds by in the blink of an eye. And before we know it we’ve been isolating for 4 weeks.
If it was even possible, there seems to be an ever more deepening of mine, my husbands and my sons relationship. All three of us bound together every day, 24/7, 7 days a week, trying to stay upbeat and get through our days. And I am moved by our efforts to keep going as positively as we can. I am moved by everyone else’s efforts to keep going as positively as they can. I am so moved by all of this.
I know this will end at some point. And no doubt we will all go back to the way things were before. I would love for this to have created some deep spiritual change and awakening within us all. Some realisation from the leaders that govern us, that there are so many things wrong with our society that need fixing or a total overhaul. That we as individuals will be inspired by the positive impact this has had on the environment, and try really hard to maintain those carbon emission decreases through our everyday lifestyle choices. But I feel doubtful that this will be the catalyst for real societal behavioural change within us all.
This has been tough. And it will be over soon. And back to ‘normal’ we will go. I’m just asking myself if my old normal is something I want to go back to. So for now, we continue to FaceTime our friends and family, we wave and say hello to our neighbours over the fence, we buy nice treats to perk us up and we just keep getting through the days, one step closer to the other side of the lockdown.
I’m hugely honoured to be part of ARTIFACT MOTHERHOOD; a collaboration of female artists from around the world who have come together to document and share our stories of the joys and struggles of our journey as mothers. Through our writings and visual records, we want to create memories that are more than photographs with dates written on the back. Started by Diana Hagues and Hollie Stokes, these posts are the artifacts we are leaving behind for our children and for generations to come.
Please check out the next artist in our blog circle, the wonderful Kirsty Larmour , and continue through all the artists until you get back to me